Igbo
Traditional Marriage
Chris
Chiwetelu
The
south-eastern part of Nigeria is the home of the Igbo speaking people. They
constitute almost 100% of the population of Abia, Anambra, Ebonyi, Enugu and Imo
States, and about 30 to 50% of the population of Delta and Rivers States.
Because Igbo people are highly mobile and itinerant, they can be found in
significant numbers in all major cities of Nigeria, as well as in other parts of
the world. In North America, the population of Ndi Igbo is probably in the
millions in the US, and in the thousands in Canada. The Igbo language itself is
highly dialectical. Thus one can expect variation in certain rites and practices
from one part of Igboland to another, and even from one town to another.
Birth, marriage and death are rites that
are held in great esteem amongst Ndi Igbo.
There are
a number of principles that underpin Igbo traditional marriage that are worth
reiterating. One of them is that marriage in Igboland is not between one man and
one woman. Rather it is between families and to a great extent between clans or
even villages. Another principle is that marriage is regarded as sacrosanct.
Divorce or separation is not common. However in extenuating circumstances (which
include flagrant abuse and neglect, promiscuity, acts likely to cause illness,
death or embarrassment to member(s) of the family), the marriage may be set
aside in accordance with rules and practices prevalent in the locality. The
introduction and practice of Christianity in Igboland have helped to preserve
the sanctity and reverence of Igbo marriages. A third principle of Igbo
traditional marriage is that dating or any kind of relationship between the man
and the girl before they get formally married is not encouraged.
Finding
the Right Partner:
Both
the man and the lady normally attain the appropriate age before they enter into
marriage. Underage marriage is very rare among Ndi Igbo. For the man in
particular, he needs to accomplish a number of well defined tasks before he is
judged to be ready for marriage. In most parts of Igboland, there are defined
rites of passage. These include initiation into the masquerade and age grade
societies. In parts of Udi LGA in Enugu State, the rite of manhood called
“iwa ogodu” was what a
son and his father had to do to indicate that the boy has come of age.
This ceremony involves the father buying a cow and the son parading the cow in
the market place. At the right moment, the son being initiated would be expected
to cut off the tail of the cow with one stroke of a well sharpened machete.
Following
the initiation to manhood, the ready to be husband is expected to have acquired
the infrastructure and the skills necessary to make a living for himself and his
would be family. Such infrastructure includes a house for himself separate from
that of his parents. His skill set would include the ability to successfully and
profitably farm a sizable plot of land for crops such as yam, cocoyam, corn,
beans, cassava, peanuts; and the ability to tend palm trees either for the wine
or for the palm fruit. These days, farming, fishing or palm tree tending skills
are no longer adequate to demonstrate the readiness of the young man for
marriage. Getting formal education at least to the secondary school level, (but
preferably to the post secondary level) is necessary, coupled with landing a
permanent, good paying job. Another alternative is for the young man to undergo
many years of apprenticeship and establish himself firmly as an artisan
(carpenter, mason, plumber, painter, motor mechanic, electrician, welder, etc),
or as a trader in a specialty area such as clothing, shoes, electronics,
building materials, hardware, jewellery, foods, etc.
For the
girls, the right of passage is not as well defined as for the boys. However,
acquiring culinary, child care and home management skills is mandatory. In
addition, most families these days would strive to educate their daughters to
the secondary and even post-secondary level. Girls also strive to acquire
professional skills through formal education, and some seek to establish
themselves in trades such as dressmaking and hairdressing. For a girl aspiring
to be married, she is expected to look her best and be of the best behaviour at
all times. Some communities would go to the extent of organizing their
marriageable girls into dance troupes where the girls do the dancing, while the
men and the women provide the vocals and the instrument back up. Learning these
dance steps usually takes several years and a great deal of hard work. The
outing and showcasing of the dance troupe is widely advertised and takes place
over several weeks and in several venues. The dancers are exquisitely decked up
to orchestrate their femininity. Within weeks of the launching of the dance,
most of the girls are often scooped up by eligible bachelors, some of the men
coming from distant towns, but who might have seen or heard of the dance.
Igbo
tradition does not encourage girls to go out in search of husbands. Regardless
of the status of the girl, she must wait until the prospective husband
approaches her family. Thus, it is the man who does the hard work of finding the
right partner, while the girl and her family have the easier of task of saying
yes or no. The common denominator here is that all members of the respective
extended family are involved in this very important task. Often relations of the
man identify the prospective bride and inform the man. Once he gives his
consent, the relatives will carry out a detailed investigation of the girl and
her family history. The investigation will dig into the background of members of
the girl’s family going as far back as possible, looking for any incidents of
recurring diseases, abominable acts, problems with bearing children,
insubordination or other marital problems. Once the background check has been
completed to the satisfaction of the man’s family, then the formal marriage
rites will proceed. During each of the several steps and stages of these
marriage rites, the family of the prospective bride will continue to check out
the groom’s family looking for essentially the same undesirable traits. The key
concern for the bride’s family would include the ability of the man to take care
of their daughter and any children that she would have.
Initial
Inquiry by the Groom (Iku Aka):
This is
the
initial and official declaration to the parents of the girl by the would-be
groom that he is interested in having their daughter as a wife. The prospective
groom is accompanied by a small group made up of close family members such as
his parents, one or two uncles and aunts. The visitors come with kola nuts and a
small amount of palm wine. Before the kola nut is broken and shared, the
suitor’s party would state their intention to the bride’s family. The
prospective bride would then be asked for her consent to accept the kola nut. If
she fails to give her consent then the process comes to an end. On the other
hand, if she consents, then the kola nut and the wine is accepted and shared.
Further visits are then scheduled before the groom’s party leaves.
Second and third visitations (Mmanya
Nne na Nna, Mmanya Ikwunne, Mmanya
Umunna, Mmanya Isi Ada)
If
the initial introductory rite (Iku Aka)
is positive, the groom’s party will receive a list of what other steps are
involved and what the requirements of the bride’s clan or town are. There are
variations from one town to another. With each additional visitation, the size
of the groom’s party continues to increase until the apex visitation which is
the Igba Nkwu ceremony. The first
visitation to the bride’s family is for the purpose of
Mmanya Nne na Nna (wine for the
bride’s parents). The groom’s party is limited to about 6 to 10 persons, and
their gifts will include kola nut, palm wine, beer, soft drinks and tobacco. The
bride’s family will prepare food and serve the visitors. The third visitation at
the bride’s home is for the purpose of
Mmanya Umunna, which is to inform the extended family from the bride’s
father’s side that someone is interested in marrying their daughter. For this
visitation, the groom’s party may number up to 20, and the number and assortment
of gifts and drinks also increases. A goat is often a part of the gifts.
The hosts will also prepare assorted meals for the visitors.
In some
communities, the rites of Mmanya Ikwunne
and Mmanya Isi Ada are also mandatory. The former is to inform the relations
of the bride’s mother that someone wants to marry their daughter. The latter is
for the first daughter of the bride’s father or family. The groom’s party is
limited in both cases, and the gifts are identical in scope and size, but they
must include kola nuts, palm wine, beer, soft drinks, heads of tobacco and
snuff. The consent from all these distinct family members must be secured before
the final marriage rites are agreed to and scheduled.
Bride
wealth/Dowry Settlement:
This
rite may be done as part of Igba Nkwu,
but in general, it requires a visitation to the bride’s family. In the past, at
the end of the lengthy negotiations which can take a whole night, money does
change hands. These days the exchange of money does not take place, but the
negotiations do still take place. Because of the difficulty in determining the
value of a wife to a man, most families settle for a commitment from the groom
that he would take good care of the bride and her children, and that he would
assist the bride’s family with the training of the bride’s siblings. At the
start of the dowry or bride wealth negotiations, the bride’s family will extol
her virtues and accomplishments. Usually broom sticks are used to represent
money. Thus, at the start, the bride’s family will present a huge bundle of
broom sticks which is what they believe their daughter is worth. The groom’s
party will then go out and consult with themselves and come back with a counter
offer which is in the form of a much reduced bundle of broom sticks. The bride’s
family will again go to their own meeting and agree on a slightly reduced
amount. This back and forth session will continue until a final count (amount)
is agreed to.
Igba
Nkwu/Mmanya Nkute:
This is
the final ceremony to consummate the marriage, and it takes place in the bride’s
family compound. The guest list from both the groom’s and bride’s families is
often unlimited. Depending on the resources of the two families, several
hundreds or even thousands of people come to witness the occasion. The entire
extended family system, going as far back as they know is invited. Both the
groom and bride would normally invite their friends, colleagues and co-workers
in addition to members of their respective extend families. As is the case with
other rites that come before Igba Nkwu,
some communities specify items that the groom must present to the bride’s
family. These would include kola nuts, palm wine and other assorted drinks,
heads of tobacco, snuff, cloths, jewellery, etc. For the bride’s family, it is
also the occasion to show their love and care for their daughter. They would
give her presents including cooking utensils for her new home. The bride’s
compound is typically decked up for the event with extra chairs and tables
brought in for the numerous guests expected. Oftentimes, dance groups and
musicians are in attendance to entertain the audience.
The
Igba Nkwu ceremony kicks off with the
arrival of the groom’s party with their drinks and other gifts. They are led to
the area reserved for them. Next the bride’s family comes out to greet their
in-laws. Meantime, the bride and her maids are inside the house getting dressed.
Once most of the guests are settled in their respective places, the bride
and her maids make the first appearance. This is primarily to greet the in-laws.
They dance regally around the venue while relatives spray money on them.
Following the appearance of the bride, the groom’s party presents their gifts to
the in-laws. Relatives of the bride will check the items to make sure that they
are in accordance with their specifications. Any shortfall of omission usually
means that the groom has to make up for it by cash payment. Once the drinks and
other gifts are accepted, the kola nuts are broken and shared.
In some
communities, the bride and her party will make a second appearance. This time
they will carry boiled eggs in trays. They will give these eggs to the guests
who in turn will put money into the trays as payment for the eggs. The
significance of this ceremony is to show that the bride is capable of making
money by trading. Before the drinks are shared, the bride and her party make
another appearance. This time, the bride kneels before her father to receive his
blessing. After the blessing, the father pours palm wine into a cup and hands
the cup over to his daughter to give to the groom. The groom is usually well
hidden among the crowd to make it difficult for the bride to find him. The bride
and her party will keep searching everywhere until they find him. Once she does
that, she will offer him the cup of wine, which he sips and hands back to the
bride for her to sip as well all to the applause of the audience. Both the groom
and the bride now go before each of their parents to get their prayers and
blessing. Once the blessings are given, the newly married couple will dance
together to entertain their guests. While the dance is going on, money is
sprayed on them as well as on their parents and other relatives. Meantime, the
bride’s family serves assorted food items that have been meticulously prepared
to all the guests wherever they may be seated.
These
days, Igba Nkwu also features the
cutting of a cake by the newly married couple. Once the cake is cut, the couple
then takes their seat at a conspicuous location in the compound. Relatives,
friends and well-wishers then take turns to present gifts to the couple. The
eating and drinking and general merry-making goes on till late into the night.
As the party begins to wind down, the family of the groom will by way of a song
indicate that they are about to leave, and that they have to take their wife
with them. Most of the time there
are no issues, and the parents of the bride will present their own gifts to her
to take to her husband’s place. The parting of the bride from her family is
always an emotional one, but in the end, the bride must join her husband’s party
as they make their way back to their place.
Post
Igba Nkwu Rites:
These
days, the Igba Nkwu and traditional
marriage rites are almost immediately followed by church wedding. Sometimes, the
church wedding takes place the next day or within a few weeks of
Igba Nkwu. This time, the groom’s
family is responsible for organizing the wedding and the reception that follows
the wedding. Depending on the resources of the groom, the reception party is
often lavish and more gifts are showered on the newly weds.
Traditionally, the first night that the bride spends in her new husband’s home
is the night of Igba Nkwu. The
following morning, the bride is expected to be up early to sweep the entire
compound of her husband’s family. Other women married in the family as well as
Umuada will join in the sweeping. The men folk will shower the new wife with
money as she goes from one compound to another. On the fourth day of her stay in
her new home or shortly thereafter, the new wife makes her visit to her parents
place. This is referred to as Nnalu.
The husband has to give her presents to give to her relatives according to the
tradition of the area. These would include toilet soaps, bar soaps, items of
clothing, food items, jewellery, palm wine,
and assorted drinks, etc. The bride will spend a couple of days with her
parents and relatives before returning to her husband.